Expecting and Not Expecting

I had a thought that I never in my life would have considered before this last couple of weeks….

What if I had an at home baby birth…?

Why would I never consider an at home birth? For a lot of personal reasons, one being the fact that my first two babies were both c-sections. So physically it can’t happen. I know for some women it’s a fabulous experience, but for me it’s not possible. With recent uncertain times I have anxiety about something that is supposed to be familiar. None of this is what I expected.

Up until recently my husband and both boys have gone to every baby appointment to hear their sisters heart beat. That will change this week, as my husband is the only one allowed to join and I’ll be thankful he can still come. I didn’t expect to have our last two appointments without the boys present.

I expected to go to the baby stores and purchase our last minute “must haves” to prepare for her arrival.

I expected to have a fresh pedicure and have my hair blown out the day before we delivered our baby girl.

I expected to have a waiting room full of family like we had with the boys deliveries. Including my grandma (the great grandma) to be present from out of state.

I expected for my husband to hold my hand during my c-section and be my rock.

I expected for my husband to be able to show the baby through the nursery window, lion king style, to share a first peek with family and friends.

I expected to have my mom and best friend take turns spending the night with me in the hospital, because I want my husband home for the boys.

I expected to have proud aunts and uncles trickle in during the day to snap first pictures and snuggle our newest family addition.

Now, here we are 10 days out from our scheduled c-section and I expect for all of those things to be shattered because they are all out of my control.

I didn’t expect to be buying our last minute “must haves” online, if I can even find them.

I didn’t expect that our friends and family will not be at the hospital waiting or visiting.

I didn’t expect that my husband might not be allowed in the operating room due to a shortage of medical supplies.

I didn’t expect that my husband might be my only visitor.

I didn’t expect that my boys wouldn’t be allowed to meet their new sister at the hospital.

I didn’t expect that my best friend and mom tradition of staying with me at  the hospital might not happen and I might be sleeping alone.

My heart hurts for the other moms-to-be. This is not what we expected.

My heart hurts for all the first time parents and grandparents. This is not what they expected.

My heart hurts at the thought of being alone. This is not what I expected.

My heart hurts for the mamas canceling baby showers, gender reveals, and all the other experiences that come with expecting.

My heart hurts because we have zero control over anything and having an expectation is so unrealistic. We don’t know what tomorrow, or the next 10 days, will look like.

Thank you to those of you that have reached out with your prayers and kind words. I am truly grateful! I am thankful for a healthy baby and the nurses and doctors that will be present in our delivery.

So here we are… 10 days out… expecting… and not expecting.